Fairytales
by aBeautifulLiar
Summary: There is this girl who lives in a small house, has a small child, she goes to work and she is married. She smiles, she laughs but she's hiding something from everyone. And she'll continue hiding because maybe her fairytale will come true one day.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but my own imagination. :) If I did own Glee, Rachel, Finn and Kurt would never, ever, ever leave. **

**Fairytales**

Once upon a time.. no, wait.. this isn't one of those stories. There is no Princess, and there is no Prince Charming. And there probably won't be a happy ever after. Life is not as perfect as they make out in this childhood fairytales.

In this story, there is no wicked step-mother, and there is no deep, dark forest but there is a girl. This girl does not live in a castle hidden away from the world, she does not lay sleeping waiting for that one man to come along and break the spell. She lives in a small house, she goes to work, she has a small child and she is married. She smiles at everyone, she laughs at jokes, she goes out with friends.

But she is hiding something from everyone, her smile disappears when she is behind closed doors, she doesn't laugh when she is alone. Yet, she carries on pretending to live this perfect life because maybe, just maybe, if she pretends enough then it will come true one day. Maybe.

She won't tell anyone though, she often finds herself laying on the floor in the bathroom wondering why she stays, why she lets him hurt her and she always comes up with one reason: she loves him. She loves him more than words can say, and after everything that has happened, she still hopes that one day, he will change.

That girl is me.

And the truth is, that I, Rachel Berry, is only scared of one thing, and one thing only, and that is Jesse St. James.

We were happy once, we had a baby and we were so good together. We were happy. And then he started to drink, but it wasn't just drinking, he started to drink a lot. When I got home from work, I would smell the alcohol the moment I stepped into the house and that's when I start to wish I had stayed behind until he had fallen asleep.

And then the first time it happened, everything changed between us. He was still the man I loved, but also the man I was terrified of. I remember how I felt and I remember thinking about saying something to anyone. I actually don't know why I didn't leave him that very first time; the logical part of me told me to pack my bags and get out of there. But then there was another part of me, telling me that he could change and it was nothing more than a phase. And now, I'm just too scared to even think about leaving him.

As long as he doesn't lay a hand on Danny then everything is going to be okay, I will be fine. Not even my friends, the people I work with and see every day, know the truth. This whole thing is one big game, one huge secret, I can't let anyone know how weak I am. I can't do that to them, I can't see the pain and the guilt in their eyes when they realize I have been hiding this thing from them for so long.

I sigh as I get to the front door, getting back from a long day of rehearsing all day. I knock the door slowly, wishing I had taken up the cast on going out for a celebration of our opening night. "Where have you been?" I jump at the sound of his voice, the smell of alcohol already evident in the air.

"You know where I was, Jesse." I manage to say, immediately regretting it when a fist makes contact with my face. And all I can think about is how I will cover it up tomorrow, how will I get to work and get into make-up without anyone seeing me?

"What did I tell you about being gone for so long? Expecting me to take care of your brat?" My head snaps up at the mention of my baby boy,

"You were the one who wanted to be a stay at home dad, you know my job is like." I can hear the nerves in my voice as I look up at him, refusing to give him the pleasure of making me cry as I bite down on my lip, trying to hold back the tears.

"Please.." I whispered, "Not tonight." I just wish someone would walk down the street right now and save me from this. I want someone to know so it can all end but I keep up the walls, because I don't want anyone finding out the truth. I cry out in pain when he grabs my hair, pulling me inside the house before slamming the door behind us.

And then before I knew it, tears fall down my face as I land on the floor, hearing a crack. I can hear my baby crying in the next room as I scream in pain, begging my husband to stop and leave me alone, crying out in pain at every kick and every punch. I cover my eyes as he shouts at me over and over again. And then it all goes black and I'm happy again, living in my fairytale land.

~ .. ~

"Hey baby, I am so sorry." I hear him say the moment I open my eyes, looking around to see the familiar wallpaper of our bedroom. It's early morning and I was laying next to him on our bed, wondering how I ended up here.

I sigh and cry out in pain when I try to sit up, "Forgive me?" I don't know what to say to him, it hurts all over and I have to go to work soon to pretend all over again. I want to carry on living in my own fantasy world where everything is okay, but I can't do that here, I can't pretend in hell.

"No... go away." I whisper, as he puts his arms around my shaking body, in a way to comfort me like he has done nothing wrong. I shake my head, tears falling from my face as I try to remember one time when I was happy before pushing him away from me with all the strength I can muster up.

"No, baby, I will get help this time.. I promise."

"How many times have I heard that?" I shook my head again, doing my best to get out of bed. I look down at my body, suddenly realizing I was naked; every single bruise, cut and mark completely evident to me as I stare down at myself. I finally stand up, crying out in pain when I realize that I have stood on a swollen ankle.

I have to leave him, I have to go somewhere where I can be safe. I have to stop pretending that everything okay when it clearly is not. "Where are you going?" He quickly gets up, walking over to me as I just stand there, taking every ounce of strength I have in my body to just stand there.

"Work." I muttered, knowing I shouldn't turn up looking like this. I have an under-study who could easily fill in for me but I had to get away from him, I had to carry on my own game of make believe.

"No, you can't.. you know the rules, you're not allowed to be seen like this."

"I don't care anymore, you took it too far this time." I carried on walking, ignoring the pain shooting through my body as I grab what clothes I can find, finally sitting down on the couch to get dressed.

"I have to go baby, I have an interview today. I will drop Danny off at kindergarten as well. Will you be here when I get back? I will phone work for you and tell them you're sick and can't do the show tonight, if you want?" I nod slowly, wincing as the pain rushes through my body, knowing I would be no use to work anyway.

"Thank you." I whispered, noticing the grin on his face as he rushed over to the phone, he could be so stupid sometimes. I shook my head, walking over to my bathroom, looking in the mirror at my new injuries. My face was barely recognisable, he had never gone much for my face before, always wanting to get an easy cover up.

I touched my face lightly, staring at the two black eyes, the massive cut on my forehead, dried blood in my hair. My nose was still dripping tiny droplets of blood, and there was a cut and a bruise on my cheek – probably from his wedding ring. My lips were swollen and there were dark bruises from fingers on my neck. I winced when I touched them, more tears falling down my face.

"I am sorry, you know?" I nodded, trying my best to smile at him. I tried to hide my shaking hands as he wrapped his arm around me, kissing my cheek as gently as he could before walking out of the bathroom. I looked back in the mirror, sobbing this time. I can't do this anymore, I can't live like this.

One more beating like this.. I'm not even sure if I can make it through. At least four ribs are broken or cracked, tears fall heavily down my face as I stare at my stomach and legs; large gashes from a kitchen knife cover my entire stomach area and some of my legs. I lift up my left arm, noticing the swelling, sighing because my wrist is broken again.

There are too many cuts to count... too many bruises to think about.. too many scars to heal. I slowly walk over to my phone, biting my lip when I try and think about who to call. Kurt.

"Kurt.." I whisper into the phone as I hear him answer after just one ring,

"Rachel? What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry.. I'm just.. I'm so sorry." I wipe away the tears with the back of my hand, not knowing what to say next – how do you tell your best friend since high school, your old room-mate, the one who encouraged you to get with Jesse, that your husband beat you?

"I need help, Jesse will kill me for telling you.. please help me."

"Why will he kill you? Rachel? Why would he..." He trails off and I can hear the fear in his voice, the sound of him grabbing some keys, explaining something to Blaine before the front door slams.

"I'm not allowed to tell, nobody is allowed to phone out. I can't do this anymore, Kurt, can you come and get me?"

"I'm on my way, honey, just stay there and unlock the door for me, okay?" I whisper an okay before hanging up and walking over to the door to unlock it, knowing Kurt should be here soon.

It's not long until I find myself looking at Kurt as he kneels down besides me, "What happened, Rachel?" He gasped, running inside to look at me,

"He hits me.." I finally tell him, just wanting someone to know, someone to help me.

"For how long?" He brushes some hair from my face, trying his best to stay calm as I tell him that it has been four years. I watch him as he blames himself but I don't say anything, I know it's not his fault. I'm too good at hiding secrets.

"You're getting out of here now, you can stay with me and Blaine in the guest bedroom with Danny, okay?" I nod, too weak to say or do anything else.

Ten minutes later, we're packing my stuff into a large suitcase, and I find myself wishing I had told Kurt straight away, I should have known he would help me. I shouldn't have been so terrified. And then, it's as though everything stops, my heart beat gets faster and faster as I hear him call my name.

I look at Kurt, my whole body shaking as tears run down my face; I have been caught. I put a finger to my lips, walking out of the bedroom, "What are you doing home?"

"Can't a husband bring his wife something to eat?" I shrug lightly, doing my best to say all the right things so he leaves soon. "Are you okay, baby?"

"What do you think?" I spit at him, glaring as he hands me a coffee, smiling at me as though nothing ever happened, he is the perfect husband just like he is in my dreams. I wish.

"You should go to work, you're late."

"Trying to get rid of me? Just give me a minute, I need to grab my keys." I nod slightly, before realizing him heading in the direction of the bedroom, following him because it's already too late.

"No, you can't leave me.. please." He pleads with me when I go by Kurt's side, biting my lip,

"I have to, just until you get some help, Jesse."

"I won't let you leave."

Kurt stands in front of me and he shakes his head, "You don't have a choice, Jesse." His voice is stern and I sigh, looking down at the floor. I never even see it coming.

I'm on the floor, trying to ignore the pain and the sound of another rib breaking. And then I hear Kurt shout. Please don't hurt him, I didn't mean for him to get involved, I didn't mean to. And then my world blacks out once more. Just like it had a hundred times before... and I was left in peace to live in my fairytale world.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

**~ Chapter Two ~**

**~ "Life is just a messed up fairytale." ~**

I woke up in the car, not sure how long I had been out for, I never did. I saw Kurt in the front, wincing at his black eye and busted lip, and I know it is my fault that he was hurt. It was all my fault; Blaine is going to hate me.

He let me go.. it took a while to register in my mind; he actually let me go. He gave in. But what if Kurt had knocked him out? He would be back after me and Danny soon enough..

There are only so many times I can take this.

There are only so many times I can run.

I groaned loudly as pain rushed through my body, and my best friend turned around to look at me, putting a hand on my shoulder as he smiled as best as he could at me. "Don't move, okay?" He bit his lip and sighed, "I wasn't sure if you wanted to go to the hospital or.." He trailed off, frowning.

"P-please... no.." I shook my head, there was no way I could go. I cried out in pain when I tried to sit up, tears falling down my face as I sobbed in pain and sadness – sadness for the life I wanted, but the life I couldn't have.

"Don't move! Rachel, it's okay.. we're almost at my house. You don't have to go, it's okay.. I will call a Doctor or something." I nod, whispering a thank you before closing my eyes again, staying as still as I could; the pain wasn't worth getting up for.

"D-Danny?"

"Blaine picked him up, they're probably waiting at home for us right now." I smiled, whispering another thank you again, not knowing how much I could thank my best friend in one day, not knowing how I could possibly make up for this.

"I'm sorry.. for what happened.. what did happen?"

"It's not your fault, not at all. I am so grateful that you phoned me, Rachel. He.. ran up to you when you collapsed, I ran up to you as well, pushing him out of the way. Then, he punched me in the face and as I fell back, he started crying.." He trailed off, looking behind at me for a second, "I picked you up, told him Finn and Puck would be around later to pick up your stuff, and if he knew what was best for him, he wouldn't be there when they did."

"A-and he let you take me?" Kurt nodded,

"I told him to get help before he even thought about coming near you or Danny ever again, and he just nodded and said okay." I took a deep breath, it was over, it was finally over. After all this time, and all I had to do was call my friends. I looked out the window, biting my lip when I noticed Finn, Puck and Blaine standing outside the house Kurt shared with Blaine, holding Henry.

"I had to call them.." He sounded apologetic as we pulled him, but I just shook my head, knowing if it was the other way around, I would have phoned them, too. I tried to smile at them as best I could, but I was too tired, it hurt too much to smile – it hurt too much to pretend anymore, not now they know my secret.

I noticed Blaine's red eyes, his dry tears as he held Danny in his arms, I noticed the concern in my friends eyes and I knew I had done this to them. I should have never asked for help, if I hadn't then everything would be okay with them and they wouldn't have to take the day off work to just see me. I would have been okay.. one day, Jesse would have stopped.

I sighed as Finn rushed to open the door for me, I wanted to get out myself but any slight movement caused me to cry in pain, much to my annoyance. I noticed Finn grabbing me, walking me to the door slowly with Puck on the other side as though they were protecting me. "I'm sorry." I whispered to Blaine when I finally reached him,

"I'm glad you finally asked for help, none of this was your fault, alright? I just wish you had asked sooner... we missed you so much." I hated this, I'm supposed to be strong, I'm supposed to be the level headed Broadway star, who stands in front of hundreds of people and pretends every single day. If I can do that, why couldn't I do this?

Now, I'm just weak, feeble Rachel Berry.

Finn led me to the couch as we got into the living room of the beautiful home, and he smiled at me. "You have to tell us everything." Blaine whispered as he sat next to me, I noticed Kurt was holding Danny now, standing away from us as he took in the scene in front of him. I sighed,

"Danny needs his afternoon nap."

"Will you be okay on a double bed?" I nodded, watching as my beautiful, perfect baby boy was taken into the next room, biting my lip as I fought the urge to run after Kurt and take my son in my arms and never let go of him.

"Everything?" I whispered to the people in the room,

"We're here for you... we're family, remember? I know it's been a long time, but that feeling never leaves." Puck said, sitting down on the chair across from her. I smiled, nodding slowly as I took a deep breath,

"It started a few years ago, everything was amazing until then. We were both happy, and we had Danny and everything was finally working out. I don't know what happened, I guess he was annoyed that he was stuck at home after he gave up his job. It just seemed like every time he came home drunk, it would only get worse. It was normal drunk at first, where I thought he had a few drinks and he was tipsy.. but it soon changed. He just carried on going out, drinking in the house.. he carried on and he kept getting more and more violent." She took a shaky breath and closed her eyes tight, "The first time I noticed it was happening was when he came home with some lipstick on his shirt, I was mad at him.. I shouted at him.. and he just lost it."

"_Where have you been?" Rachel asked as Jesse finally opened the front door, stumbling into the house, _

"_Out, if that's okay with you." She shook her head and stood up from the table where she had been sitting all night, waiting for her husband to return home. _

"_You can't keep leaving our son at home with a strange, I'm fed up with it." She shouted at him, _

"_Oh, whatever.. you do it every single day." She laughed at him and picked up some forms on the table, _

"_I have work! I am paying the bills and I leave him with his father, so don't you dare say that to me." She raised an eyebrow at him, challenging him and he accepted it quickly, walking towards her with a huge grin on his face. _

"_When did you turn into such a fucking bitch?" _

"_When did you turn into such a drunk?" _

"_When did you start sleeping with Finn?" He shouted back at her – well, screamed in her face, _

"_Oh whatever Jesse, come back to bed when you sober up." She turned to walk away, gasping when he grabbed her wrist and pulled her back towards him. She cried out when his squeeze only tightened, trying her best to get out of the hold. _

_"Get off me." She said in her best warning tone, _

"_I can do more damage than you could ever do to me." She raised her hand, her free hand but was taken back when he punched her in the face as hard as he could before she could even slap him. _

"_Oh god... Rachel, baby.. I'm so sorry." She watched as he broke down in front of her, "I will never do that again, I'm so sorry, please forgive me, baby.. please." He hugged her and she buried her head into his chest, tears falling down her face. _

"_Lay one more finger on me and you will pay." She whispered, he nodded and rubbed her back as she pulled away from the embrace to run to the bathroom. She locked the door, not wanting him to see her cry as she slid down against the door and sobbed. She shouldn't have forgiven him, she knew that, but she loved him so much and when he was sober, it was all different. She didn't want to leave him because he hit her one time. There was no reason to break up, they were married and they were happy with a precious baby boy. She convinced herself it was just a bad patch. _

_She looked in the mirror once she stood up, wincing when she saw the dark bruise already forming on her cheek, with a large cut from his wedding ring bleeding slightly. She knew she would have a black eye the next day, she knew she would have to make up a story, there would be questions when she got to work but she would keep lying until the questions ran out. _

I look up at my friends, smiling gratefully when Blaine wrapped his arms around me. "I know I was stupid for staying with him that first time.. I know how stupid I am for staying with him."

"No, you're human, Rachel.. you thought it would be one time, it's not your fault." I shook my head at Kurt and bit my lip,

"I'm so stupid.. what about the second and the third time? I should have gone, I should have told someone but I was convinced I could handle the whole thing on my own." I pulled away from them and shook my head, "Oh my God, why did I stay?" I shook my head, feeling tears run down my face, finally letting myself break.

"I'm so pathetic."

"No, a lot of people have done the same thing, and people will continue to do the same thing. This is his fault.. you love him and he knew that, he played on that. Everything will be okay." Kurt whispered as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders, holding me close.

"Are you okay to carry on?" Puck asked kindly, speaking to me as though I could shatter at any second. I nodded, trying to think of the time after that; it was just a few days after the first.

"Um.. it was a few days later, I was at home and so was he. I made him stay at home, it was one of the first nights I wasn't doing a show and I.. Danny was asleep. I thought that he could handle a night without drinking, but he got irritable after a few hours. He went to the supermarket, came back with alcohol. Then he sat there and drunk it all and I just let him." I sighed, looking down at the floor, disgusted with myself,

"He was drunk in no time, shouting at me and telling me that I care more about my job and my friends than I ever had him and my son. I was annoyed, I shouted back and in the end, I smashed a glass after chucking it at him. He went mad, this time though, I thought it was my fault.. and it was. He started shouting again, I hit him first.. I know I shouldn't have and it was so stupid but I couldn't stop myself. I had been working all day and he was there accusing me of not loving my son, so I punched him. He grabbed my wrist when I went to cool off, and he twisted it back..." She took a deep breath, the memories coming flooding back to her as she tried to think of that night,

"Then he punched me in the face, I stopped shouting then, I realized how angry he was with me and I knew I had to shut up. I told him I was sorry but he didn't seem to hear me, he pushed me into the bedroom, punched me in the stomach, pushed me onto our bed... t-then he just.. got on top of me and I told him I was sorry again but he wouldn't listen. He just carried on like I wasn't speaking, I begged him to stop but he wouldn't even look at me. I didn't know what to do." I broke down again, even thinking of that night made me shake. I put my head in my hands, angry with myself for looking so weak in front of my best friends.

I always hated it when he was that drunk, I knew what was coming after it. "You should have told us.. that's rape, Rachel." Puck clenched his firsts, and I looked up when he called me Rachel instead of Berry or Jewish Princess.. I realized he was starting to see me as more of a victim, and as a police officer, he must have seen this a lot.

"I'm his wife.. I have.. I-I have to.." Blaine grabbed my shoulder and made me face him,

"No, that's wrong and you know it.. you said no and that is what matters, whether he is your husband or not. It's wrong. It's illegal." I nodded and sniffed, trying not to break down again.

"Did it carry on like that?" Finn murmured, looking at me properly for the first time since she had seen him today.

"It wasn't that bad for a while, there were no massive beatings until last year. It was just a punch or a kick, sometimes he raped me.. but nothing I couldn't handle, nothing I couldn't hide."

Kurt shook his head, "It's still abuse." I looked at him and bit my lip,

"I know.." I sighed, looking away from everyone else, glad they couldn't see the worst damage right now, knowing under my clothes everything was so much worse.

"What did you do after the first actual beating?" Puck asked,

"I hid in my bedroom.. running out for work."

"_About time you got home." Rachel looked at the man in front of her, closing the front door as she sighed,_

"_I had work." She sounded annoyed already, she hated getting the third degree, she worked on Broadway, he should know that rehearsal sometimes went over and the shows sometimes lasted longer than they should have because of curtain calls, and sometimes the audience were important so she had to talk to them. _

_She wrinkled her nose and entered the living room, "Drinking again?" She muttered, smelling the alcohol in the room heavily, he nodded and lifted up the beer can he was holding, _

"_Got a problem with that, bitch?" _

"_I really cannot be bothered with this tonight, I have work early tomorrow and I don't want another bruise or cut or broken bone to explain to them." He laughed loudly as he stood up, _

"_I will do what I want, when I want. You're married to me, not your job, not your friends and not to Finn Hudson. What we do in our spare time has nothing to do with anyone else." She shook her head, she should have learned by now to be scared of him when he was drunk, it was going on for so long now but Rachel Berry was not scared of anyone. Especially not the man she was supposed to love. _

"_Back off, Jesse." She pushed him out the way to get into the bathroom, gasping in pain when something hit her in the back of the head, causing her to drop the floor. She tried to get back up, crying in pain as he kicked her back down, and she found herself begging for him to stop before there was a second blow to the head. She thought it was over when he helped her up, and she looked at the bathroom door. _

_She was up against the wall, a punch to the face, a jab to the stomach, a slap across the head, she almost collapsed but she was stopped only by his hand around her neck and he pushed her hard against the nearest wall. She banged her head in the process, tears falling down her face as she felt her body struggling desperately for air. _

"_You stupid bitch, I said to be home at ten, what time do you call this?" She tried to speak but his grip was too tight. Finally, he let her go, dropping her to the ground as she coughed, struggling to breathe. And then the moment she recovered, she felt her head snap back as he kicked her hard in the face, he bent down to grab her hair and lifted her up with him before slamming her face into the wall. _

_She finally gave into the fear she had been holding in, knowing her son was only upstairs, beginning to scream and shout, begging someone to save her but nobody ever came. Then, it was finally over and her world went black._

"From that moment on, nothing was the same again.. it was like that every night. Sometimes it was hard to get to work, I'd see the look in your eyes, Kurt.. when you saw the bruises, so I tried to stay away from you. I was so glad none of you said anything, I think maybe you were scared that you were wrong. I think I would have broken down.. in the end, I had to stop going to hospital because I knew Blaine would find out in the end. I tried to fight him off, I promise, but it never seemed to work.." I sighed,

"He just kept kicking, punching, shouting and whatever I said made him worse. I was so scared of him in the end, I guess that is what stopped me telling you. Even when things were terrible, I don't know.. I didn't want to be the victim.." I closed my eyes, biting my lip as I try to think of the right words,

"I don't know.. I just want everything to be like it used to be, I'm not even the same person I was.. I want to be the Rachel everyone could get along with, I don't know who I am or what I am now.. I don't know what to do."


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

**~ "Life's a fairytale... and then you grow up." ~**

That night I woke up in the guest room; screaming, crying, sweating and shaking. I had no idea what was going on, I knew I had nightmares before but it had never been like this. Not this horrible, not this severe. I tried calming myself down, hating being so weak but nothing was working. And before I knew it, Quinn came running in with Kurt not too far behind. I wondered when she had gotten here but it quickly left my mind when she wrapped her arms around me.

I tried my best to stop shaking, trying to be the strong Rachel Berry they all remembered and not the weak Rachel St. James they were all seeing now. I don't want this Rachel anymore, I want to be Rachel Berry. I've changed so much and hate it.

"Rachel, what happened?" Quinn whispered in my ear, rubbing my back, but I shake my head before I wrapped my own arms tight around her. I cried that night like I have never cried before. The tears kept falling and I didn't know how to make them stop and Quinn – I will never be more thankful that we both grew up after high school – and she carried on rubbing my back, being more patient than ever as Kurt moved behind me to soothe down my hair like I had always loved.

"It was just a nightmare.. I never meant to wake anyone up."

"Just tell us what happened, the more you talk about it to us, the more we understand the more we can help you." She smiled at me kindly, as I pulled away from the two of them, laying back down to curl up into a tight ball. I just needed to calm down and then everything would be okay again, I just needed to pretend.

"Don't do this, Rachel. You will never recover from this if you close up. You need to tell someone... anyone." Kurt grabbed my hand, squeezing it gently as I looked up and nodded. I closed my eyes tight, trying to think of the nightmare.

"_I'm going to get you Rachel." The girl looked around but she couldn't see anyone, she was in the guest bedroom at Kurt and Blaine's house and she could hear Jesse but she couldn't find him anywhere. She started to get out of bed to look around the room, terrified. _

"_Jesse?" She whispered, her heart beating fast, _

"_They've all gone now, it's just me and you and now there is nobody to help you and nobody to stop me." She shook her head, tears falling down her face. _

"_What did you do to them?" _

"_Go and see." He whispered, watching her move towards the living room, a loud scream piercing the room as she saw what he had done. There was so much blood, too much blood. It was on the walls, it was on the floor and on the wall she saw 'never ask for help again'. She shook her head, running out of the bedroom only to trip over her own sons body, she didn't see Jesse behind her with a knife. She saw all the body of her friends, and her beautiful baby boy. _

"_Never ask for help." He muttered, repeating it over and over again and she found herself wondering why she had done it. She found herself telling herself how it was her own fault, and there was nothing she could do to help them. Everyone was dead and it was all her fault. Jesse grabbed her roughly, pulling her from her own thoughts. _

"_I love you, baby." And then he stabbed her... she stumbled back and gasped, the pain running through her body as he beat her harder than he ever had before. No matter how much she begged, he wouldn't stop. _

_And then everything went white, there was someone calling her name. Two little children appeared and called her to them, she recognised them as Danny and the little baby she had once lost thanks to her husband. She moved towards them, "Come join us mommy." Danny smiled, his hand meeting hers and then he disappeared. Then there was blood, more blood, they were gone. Everyone was gone. _

"A-And then I woke up." I frowned, finishing off the story, looking up at my two friends who stared in shock.

"You had another child?" Quinn was the first to reply, her hand tracing a scar on my hand as she sighed,

"I had a miscarriage.. Jesse beat me so bad sometimes, I could never keep a baby.. I had to give birth to her.. she was so beautiful. She looked just like Danny. I thought that maybe she would have been okay but she was a still birth and I didn't think it would be right to bring her into this world anyway." I whispered, it was too painful to think about but I was glad to finally tell someone. Jesse hadn't cared, he said he never wanted another brat with me anyway. I hadn't mentioned it again after that, it was just one more part of my life that hurt too much to even think about. It was my fault for staying with him. I never should have stayed with him.

"Oh God.. honey." Kurt murmured, his eyes wide with shock and sadness as he stared down at his best friend,

"It doesn't matter.."

"It obviously mattered to you." I nodded and sighed, having to agree with them. It did matter to me, it mattered to me so much.

"I loved her so much, it wasn't fair on her."

"You're young.. you have plenty of time." Quinn whispered, smiling at me and I nodded slightly, not sure if I could ever trust another man to come near me ever again.

"We'll stay in here with you tonight." Kurt smiled, both of them laying next to me as I cuddled up to Quinn and held Kurt's hand. I was thankful, wondering if I could feel happiness once more.

~ .. ~

I had been at Kurt and Blaine's for over a week when the first phone call came, I was reading to Danny when I heard it ring and it was Kurt who picked it up, I saw the look on his face when he heard the voice on the other end and I knew something was wrong. I gave the book to Danny, telling him I would be right back before going over to the man. "Who is it?" I whispered, already having a feeling exactly who it was.

"Jesse, but don't worry.. I'll get rid of him." I nodded, biting my lip,

"Can I speak to him?" 

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" I smiled, I wanted to speak to him, no matter how much he had hurt me, I still loved him. That wasn't going to stop any time soon, not yet anyway. He handed the phone to me,

"Jesse?" I whispered, walking up the stairs slowly,

"Baby, I am so sorry.. come back to me."

"I can't."

"Yes, of course you can.." He sounded so much like the Jesse I remembered, the Jesse I had fallen in love with as he spoke to me. I almost ran back to him right there and then, but I had to remain strong as I stared down at the bruises and cuts that were starting to fade.

"No, I can't.. not until you sort yourself out. You're not going to see me or Danny again until you're alcohol free." I was in the bedroom now, sitting on the bed and I smiled to myself as my own strength and courage. "I love you, Jesse and I always will but I don't love this Jesse. I fell in love with my Jesse.. where did he go?" I bit down on my lip, wanting to cry as I thought about the times we were happy.

"_I love you." Jesse whispered, _

"_I love you too." She kissed him gently on the lips and he smiled at her, grabbing her hand as they carried on walking down the beach. He looked at her, she noticed him staring at her and stopped in her tracks as she raised an eyebrow, "What?"  
><em>

"_I wasn't going to do it like this but I just love you so much, and I just want to let you know how much and I really want to spend my whole life with you and the little baby." He pressed a hand to her stomach, grinning, "I want us to be together forever, just me and you and all the children we're going to have after this little man." _

_She stared at him, confused by the speech, gasping when he went down on one knee right there and then in the middle of the beach. She looked around, glad nobody was looking their way. She felt nervous but happy, here the moment was.. her one true love was about to ask her to marry him and she couldn't have thought of a better way to do this. _

"_Will you marry me, my beautiful star, Rachel Barbara Berry?" She grinned down at him, looking at the ring he held in his hand.. it was perfect. Ruby red with small diamonds just around the ruby. She tried her best to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall down her face. _

"_Of course I will, Jesse St. James." She laughed as tears fell down her face, feeling glad that tears were also running down his. She grinned as he put the ring on her finger before getting up to kiss her, lifting her up in his strong arms to twirl her around. And as he did so, she remembered thinking it would be her forever after, her happy ending. _

I smiled at the memory, it was one of the happiest days of my entire life but alcohol had ruined it. I hated that, I didn't hate Jesse. He was an addict, and that would go away if he tried, he could go to rehab and sorted himself out. "I don't know where he went, I want him back as well, I miss you so much. I never realized how hard it would be without you. I can live without the drink, I can't live without my family."

"Please sort yourself out, Jesse and then we can see. I have to protect our son and I have to protect myself. You've hurt me so much and I need time to heal.. is that okay?" I heard the sigh on the other side, I knew he was sober but I was still terrified of the answer.

"Of course it is, baby.. how is this going to work?" 

"You will go to rehab, I will come and see you every month to see if you're trying to get better. Then when you are out, we'll give it a while and see if you've actually changed. If not, then no matter how much I love you.. it's over for good." I felt so strong and so weak at the same time, strong because I knew he wasn't there and because I was finally saying what I held in for so long.. but weak because I was still scared, the sound of his voice made me shake and when I close my eyes, I see his fist coming towards me. More tears fell down my face but I held the sobs that were about to come.

"Fine.. I promise.. for you and Danny. I will get myself checked into a centre as soon as I can."

"Phone Kurt or someone with the address." I said before saying my goodbyes. He sounded depressed but this is what I should have done at the start, then it wouldn't have been so bad, it wouldn't have gone this far.

"You okay?" Kurt asked as I walked down the stairs, I nodded and smiled,

"I just needed to get that out of my system. He's getting checked into rehab, I told him what was going to happen and he agreed." I sighed, moving back to the sitting room to sit back down with Danny. He wrapped his small arms around me, nuzzling his head into my neck as I wrapped my own arms around him, looking at Kurt.

He grinned and walked over to me to put a hand on my shoulder, "We're ordering take out, is that alright?" Danny nodded enthusiastically and I grinned before going back to the story. _This is what normal feels like. _

~ .. ~

I started to heal for the first time in a long time; mentally and physically. I was glad for the amount of time I had to heal, it would usually be a few days before the next beating and then there would be more wounds to add, more broken bones and more bruises. I had this new feeling of utter happiness, and I was able to wrap my arms around my son without crying out in pain. I could chase him around the room without having to lay down because it hurt so much. Life was finally looking up.

I laughed a little as one memory seemed to stick out. Jesse and I were at a party and I was completely drunk, we had only just got back into contact after I left Ohio but we were certain this time that it was fate telling us that we were perfect for each other. He hadn't touched a drink all night, that was the thing that stood out to me when I looked back on the memory now. The drink wasn't important at the time, but those were the days. Drink ruined us, and I could only hope it didn't carry on.

I had been at Kurt's for a month now, I was fully healed and back to going to auditions on Broadway. It wasn't the same, people I knew looked at me as though I was fragile, giving me the once over for scars or any signs of the abuse they had heard about. But it was good to be back on top form.

Something went wrong that day though, someone looked at me as though trying to decipher what bruises and scars I were hiding. I had stormed off into the bathroom, smashing the mirror in anger. He had taken my child from me, it was all I could think about that day. Tears ran down my face as I looked down at the floor, picking up a piece of glass. I looked at it for a second before digging it deep into my arm and the anger left in a moment as I stared down at the blood.

Maybe it was because I was too used tot he pain by now, it was my only release. I sighed, wiping away the tears, dropping the glass in shock once the realization took over. I couldn't have done this, no please.. stop bleeding.. they will hate you.

Finally, the bleeding had stopped and I had roughly pulled my sleeve down, wiping away any signs that I had been crying. I looked at the broken mirror, seeing nothing but a woman in so much pain. I missed him so much – I wanted the real Jesse back, not the drunken, violent idiot he had become. I wanted the Jesse I had fallen in love with five years ago. And now I was a twenty four year old, married woman who had been abused by the man she loved. I just wanted him back.

~ .. ~

I had to hide my set back from everyone, I was too glad to be back home. Nobody knew what I had done, and I didn't expect anyone to discover my little secret. I sighed as I looked at the deep cut in the mirror, I couldn't wear short sleeves for a while but I never did anyway.

I put on a fake smile as I walked downstairs, not wanting Blaine or Kurt to think anything was wrong. It had been a whole week since my set back, and I was determined to get back to normality. Danny jumped at me as I got to the bottom of the stairs, grinning at me and kissing me on the cheek when I lifted him up.

"You going to have anything to eat?" Blaine bit his lip in worry, noticing I hadn't been eating too much lately, no doubt. I shook my head, putting Danny down to put his jacket on. I returned to my normal routine of one meal a day, I had gained weight recently and I knew that when Jesse was okay again, he wouldn't like it. I would have to lose it again anyway when he returned.

"I will grab something on the way." He smiled up at me, walking to the bathroom after shouting a goodbye. I always left before them two, they started much later than me in their respective jobs. I lifted Danny back up, before walking out.

After I dropped him off, I walked to work, smiling at my director as we began the practise for _Rent_. I played Maureen and it was amazing, I was so happy. I got back late that night, due to it being opening night and was glad to be back home so I could check up on Danny.

"We need to speak to you." Blaine said as I walked in, walking closer to him and Kurt as I bit my lip. My eyes wandered over to the towel Kurt held in his hands, and I felt my whole body shaking as I looked at the blood stained towel, recognising it immediately.

"Y-You don't understand." I tried to explain, I didn't know what to say to the two people who had opened their home to me and my child,

"Where's the blood from, Rachel?" I looked up at them, about to cry,

Kurt shook his head and whispered, "Please tell me it's not what we think it is." I shook my head, trying to laugh,

"I cut myself shaving.. I forgot to put the towel in the wash.. I'm so sorry."

"No.. you don't get this much blood from an accidental shaving cut.."

"Oh? Really? When did you become a doctor?" I glared at Blaine, wrapping my arms around myself, absolutely terrified that I had been caught out.

"Did you cut yourself?" Kurt finally whispered, his eyes wide with worry and terror,

"N-no.. please.. please don't do this.. please." I whispered, looking down at the floor,

"Tell me the truth, it's just me Rachel.. tell me." He took a few steps forward, grabbing my arms from my side but I shook my head, trying to pull myself away from him. I looked away when he rolled up my sleeves, a gasp leaving his lips. I could only shrug when he asked why, I could only apologize when I saw his eyes filled with tears.

"I've ruined everything.. I'm sorry.. I didn't mean to. You weren't supposed to find out." I fell to the floor as I cried, leaning into Kurt when he wrapped his arms tight around me.

"You should have told us." Blaine said, and I looked up at him and nodded, apologizing once more,

"I didn't want you to think I was creating my own problems.. I'm so sorry."

"We understand that it's not easy to get over this.. you're our best friend, Rachel and we want to be here for you whenever we can and stuff like this needs to be talked about." I sobbed, trying to wipe away my tears as I stood up.

"Well, long day.. I'm off to bed." I said in my best show voice, giving them my best show smile, as I went to walk upstairs.

Kurt shook his head though, "We're phoning a Doctor tomorrow... we think you need more help than any of us can give you." I shook my head,

"No please.. I won't be allowed back to work."

"We think you went back too soon." Blaine took a step forward.

"No! I'm fine.. honestly. I won't do it again. I'm sorry, I really won't." I started to pain, I couldn't lose this job. I didn't want to see some stupid doctor. I needed to cut so badly right then my world began to spin as my chest tightened. It was getting too hard to breathe, I tried to focus on breathing and then I remember someone calling my name, and everything went black and my children were back again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

**~ "The worlds still spinning and she don't know why." ~**

When I woke up in hospital, I looked around to see Kurt standing there watching me. I could tell he was worried, and it was my fault. As if everyone else didn't have anything better to do, and now look at what I've done. I sighed, looking around the room, trying to avoid making eye contact with him.

"You haven't been eating.." He finally spoke, and I looked at him,

"Jesse said I have to be thin.. I have to lose weight, otherwise he won't love me." I muttered, trying to sit up but still feeling too weak.

"Why the fuck do you care what he thinks? After everything he has done, why do you insist on doing this to yourself?"

"Nothing can stop me loving him." He walked towards me, putting my hand in his as he sighed,

"I know that, Rachel.. but you need to stop clinging to the man you fell in love with, you need to stop hanging onto the threads of a relationship that will never be the same again. You can't live like this. Because even if he does change.. it will never be the same.. everytime he shouts, you'll be scared, everytime he raises a hand, you will flinch.." I nodded, trying to stop the tears falling down my face as I clung onto his hand,

"W-we were fine before, everything was perfect. I just want to know where I went wrong.."

"You did nothing wrong, it's all on Jesse. He was the one who started drinking too much, he let this get out of control."

"I should have helped him sooner, then we could still be together.."

"And even if you had got him help sooner, he would have had to want the help for it to actually do the job. There is nothing you could have done, stop blaming yourself." I nodded and moved my head to his shoulder when he sat up on the bed, cuddling up close to him, whispering my apologies. He rejected them, of course.. I knew he would but I was so sorry for everything I had put my best friend though.

"Is Danny okay?"

"He wants his mommy back home." I smiled and nodded,

"Do you think I should move out? I don't want to hurt you again.. I'm too much.." Kurt shook his head and put his arms around me,

"It'll be boring without you two around, Blaine and I love having the two of you around." My smile only broadened and I hugged him tighter, smiling at Quinn when she walked in.

"What happened?" I shrugged and looked at Kurt,

"She had a minor setback.. everything is going to be okay now, isn't it Rachel?" I smiled at him and nodded, "Yeah.. I think it will be."

It wasn't too long after that that I was home, well.. Blaine and Kurt's home but it was the only place I felt safe at the moment. I was allowed to go back to work once I had the clear from the Psychologist who Blaine had arranged for me to see once a week. I hated the fact I had to admit my victim status, but I went anyway – for Danny more than myself.

I walked downstairs, ruffling Danny's hair as I walked past my gorgeous baby boy – the only good thing to come from mine and Jesse's relationship. "You want breakfast?" Kurt asked, I sighed when I saw the worry still in his eyes.

"Sure, what you got?" I asked, leaning over the counter to look at the food,

"Mommy! Mommy has what I has!" Danny cried out to me, grinning wide,

"Sure, what have you got?" I knelt down, fussing with the buttons on his little shirt – Kurt had taken to dressing him since we moved her, seeing as his fashion sense was just _so _much better than mine (according to himself, of course).

"Pancakes!" He grinned wider, sounding so proud of himself, and I laughed and nodded.

"Alright, I'll have the same as Danny." He giggled when I tickled him and kissed his forehead,

"Mommy sit with Danny." He finally said when I let go of him, and I nodded, grinning as we both sat at the table. It felt like a proper family when we all sat around the table, even though Jesse wasn't there. I sighed, even after what he had done, I still wanted him.. how sick was that?

I didn't know what to do, I had a letter from him the other day about how life was in rehab, and how I should visit him soon. I still hadn't replied to him and I wasn't sure of going – I knew it would be hard, but he was the love of my life (apart from Finn, but we never talk about him) and he was trying to get better for me. I looked at Danny, smiling. Maybe we could be a family again but everything would be on my conditions, not Jesse's. I was not going to let him win again.

~ .. ~

"Hey." I looked him straight in the eyes as he greeted me, needing him to know I was no longer too scared to do that. "Hi.." I said it back, it came out a lot quieter than I intended it to and I cleared my throat, he looked at me, smiling and went to hold my hands across the table but I pulled them away quickly.

"Are you scared of me?" He asked, but I shook my head, nibbling my lower lip.

"No.. I'm being careful." I looked around at the other husbands, wives and young men and women all waiting for their own visitors. I wondered how long it had been since Jesse had someone to visit him – if anyone had bothered to come before me.

"How are you?" He finally asked, bringing me out of my thoughts as I turned back to look at him,

"Better, I think.. you?"

"Finding it hard in here.. but I know what made me drink and stuff. I have had counselling and group sessions." I nodded, agreeing with him that he needed to do that before silence took over once again. That was, until he tried to hold my hand again, this time I jerked my hands back with so much force, I almost fell backwards on my chair. "Stop it!" I snapped at him and he nodded, a sad look on his face,

"Sorry." He looked down and I shook my head, sighing,

"Yeah.. well.. you have to get fully sorted before I can trust you again." I surprised myself then, where had this strength I had before gone? When did it come back? He looked up for a moment and I could swear a flash of anger appeared in his eyes, he must have seen the fear in mine because the moment it appeared, it was gone again. I shook my head, trying to focus; he wasn't drunk, so there wasn't any danger.. was there?

"Do they know what you did to me?" I finally squeaked out, biting my lip,

"They want you to come to a counselling session.."

"When is your next one?" I looked at the broken families around me, more interested in how others acted around the people stuck here.

"In about ten minutes.. that's why I asked you to come today."

"Do you want me to come?" I asked, biting my lip,

"Do you have work to go to?"

I shook my head and sighed, "I have a few months off, the director gave my understudy the job for now because of.. personal reasons."

He just nodded and looked down, "I just want you to know how sorry I am for everything I did to you, I should never have put you through it all. I know there is a problem now and I am doing everything I can to sort it out. I am really sorry, Rachel." I just nodded on him, focusing more on the man behind us who seemed to be staring at the both of us,

"Who is that?" I asked,

"My counsellor.. I told him you were coming today; he wanted to keep an eye on us."

I suddenly felt scared, not so sure of myself anymore as I looked from one man to the other, "Would you really hit me when you're sober?" I didn't feel like this was a good idea anymore – what if it was never about the drink? If it was all just Jesse and then I would be stuck like this forever. He shook his head,

"Of course not.. he wanted to see how we are around each other." He looked behind his shoulder, nodding at the man, he started to walk towards us and I noticed him stare at me when he reached us, I could see how he noticed I was shaking. I had tried so hard to hide my fear from Jesse but then something so stupid and little had ruined everything.

"How are you, Mrs St. James?" I looked up at him and stood up, telling Jesse I would be right back before walking off with the counsellor. "Is he violent when he is sober?" I whispered, looking over at my confused husband.

"Why would you think that?"

"He said you had to keep an eye on him.. you wouldn't do that if he wasn't going to do something, right?" There was no hiding the obvious fear as I looked at him, seeing a lone tear fall from the his eye. I looked at him, confusion evident in my expression as he wiped it away and looked back down at the table.

"I can assure you that without the drink, he is not a violent man. I am not condoning what he did in anyway at all, but you are in no immediate danger at this moment in time." He looked me right in the eye and I believed him straight away, calming down instantly and walking back to Jesse, muttering an apology.

"I don't blame you for reacting like that." He wouldn't look back up at me though, so I looked away from him.

"My name is Simon." His counsellor held his hand out for me and I shook it gently, still trying to calm myself down, "Are you coming today?"

"If Jesse still wants me to." He nodded and smiled up at me,

"Well this is how it will work – I will need to see you alone for about ten minutes, Mrs St. James." I shook my head, looking up at Simon,

"I already have my own counsellor."

"That may be the case but I need your opinion on Jesse's drinking.. I know Jesse personally, whereas your counsellor does not." I nodded, murmuring an agreement before Jesse spoke again,

"You have one, too?" 

"Yes.. well, my friends and the director thought it best because of some.. issues."

"And that's why you don't go to work?" I nodded at him and looked back at Simon, asking him to carry on with what he was saying before,

"And then I will bring Jesse in and we will all talk together. I know Jesse has some stuff he wants to say to you and I'm sure you feel the same." I nodded and stood up, "Fifteen minutes and then in my office, Jesse."

Jesse nodded and looked me up and down, frowning, "You should gain all the weight back that I forced you to lose.. I never meant any of it."

"Thanks." I muttered, quickly walking behind Simon, trying to hold back the tears. "He's not a bad person." I finally told him, "I know he isn't a bad person.. he just got lost along the way.."

"He loves you."

"I love him too.. as much as I wish I didn't. If I didn't then I could leave him and just move on with my life." He shook his head,

"You can't help who you fall in love with, you were happy before all of this.. do you think you could be happy after it?"

I sighed and shrugged my shoulders, "I don't know.. I thought we would before I came here but all I can see is him beating me whenever I look at him. I can't stand it when he touches me.. I don't want to be, but I am terrified of him."

"It's completely understandable to be scared, with help you can both move on but only if you want to."

"I do.. of course I do.. we have a son. I love them both so much and I want to be a family but I don't know what I would do if he went back." I shook my head and Simon opened a door not far from the main room, and I walked in with him.

"Well, you both need a break and Jesse still has a few more months here." I nodded, "He booked himself in here, did you know that?" He said as he sat down and I nodded, sitting down where he told me to.

"I told him he could never see me or Danny again if he didn't get help."

"Do you want to know what most people do when they go back to their partners after rehab?" I nodded, really wanting to know, "Of course they start with the one month visits and counselling session and then they have regular visits when the person is out of here. Once they feel comfortable enough around each other, they start to see each other most nights, just like when you first start dating.. going out on dates and so on."

"... and then you move in and everyone forgets the past and lives happily ever after?" I muttered sarcastically, rolling my eyes, and he laughed, his head shaking.

"Not quite, some people move back in after a year.. sometimes two. Mostly staying in separate bedrooms for a while, and then it gets easier and you get to know the person all over again."

"Do you think he will stop?"

"I think he is going to have one or two setbacks but he will buck up his ideas soon enough."

"I am scared." I admitted, looking down at the floor, "I was so strong and happy before all of this, everyone looks at me and tells me how much I have changed, I don't want it to happen all over again."

"I know, and it's going to be hard but it's your choice, not Jesse's, whether or not you two get back together. You have to be strong now and it's going to be difficult. Is it right that Jesse told me you're staying with friends?" I nodded, biting my lip, "So when you're not feeling too strong, you have them to lean on?"

"Yes.. they're amazing.. more like family, than friends.." I smiled at the thought,

"That's good.. so, if you don't mind me asking, why did you have to attend counselling? I feel as though it was more than what you went through with Jesse."

"I started.. self harming.. and was diagnosed with depression. It's alright now though, I just tried to move on too quickly."

He nodded, "You need to take it easy." He said kindly and I nodded, not saying anything else as I carried on looking at the coffee cup he had placed in my hands moments before, jumping when the door knocked.

"Are you ready for this?" Simon asked me, I nodded, moving my chair further away from the one next to me, knowing it was going to be the one Jesse sat in. "You both have things to say, Rachel.. I want you to go first." Simon spoke up when Jesse had sat down.

"What do you want me to say?" I looked at him confused, I didn't know what to say to him, I didn't want him to hate me.

"Just how you feel, anything you want." I took a deep breath and looked at Jesse, thinking for a moment before I knew what I wanted to say, he couldn't do anything to me right now and Simon wanted me to be honest.

"Jesse.." I gulped, "I love you so much and I thought we would be together forever, I know it was the drink that made you do everything and I know you may never do it again but I just don't know.. I guess I will always be a little scared of you. Well, that's how I feel anyway.. I don't want to be scared anymore though. I am fed up of all the pain and I'm fed up of jumping at every little noise. I'm fed up of resisting the urge to scream when Danny wakes me up in the night, because it reminds me of when you would wake me up..." I took a deep breath, forcing myself not to cry,

"I went through a stage where I blamed myself but I know now that it was your fault. You let the drink take over your whole life and you took it too far, Jesse. You took social drinking too far and now look where you are. I was so scared of you for such a long time, and I would wake up in the morning wondering if you were actually going to kill me that day. I was in so much pain and you never cared. I never saw you sober, we both worked full time and the only time I ever saw you sober was in the morning and that's not really enough to judge whether you are going to hit me when you get out of here. How am I supposed to know it was the drink and not you?" I took a deep breath, trying to gather my thoughts.

"I just.. I want to know why you turned to drink, was I doing something wrong? I don't know what made you think that drinking was the only way out. You must have known what you did when you were drunk because you would always said you were sorry and you would be so lovely in the mornings.. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am happy now and this what I should have felt my whole life. If I decide to give it another try with you, then we will be moving back home and staying there. I should never have let you convince me to move away and I won't let you control me any longer. You have to chose between the drink and me.. I don't drink anyway so you will have no excuse. I will leave the moment you have one drop of drink, and this time I will involve the police if you ever lay a finger on me or anyone else I love. I can't handle it anymore, I'm fed up of how you control me. So, unless you choose to give up the drink then I will not be waiting for you to get out of here."

Jesse looked at me and I looked at Simon, tears running down my face as the man nodded at me and looked towards Jesse, "What do you have to say to that?"

"Um.. Rachel... I love you so much and I know the choice. I can live without the drink but everyday from you is so painful. It's so hard without you, I feel like I have known you my whole life and I want to spend every single day with you and I want to grow old with you and have more children. When I get out I want to start all over again, I will never have another drink.. I don't need the drink but I need you more than anything else. I will never hurt you again.. when I've been here, they have been teaching us the wrong ways and I know what I did was completely wrong. I don't even know why the drink made me do that." He frowned,

"The only reason I started drinking in the first place was because I found everything so damn hard.. you always seemed to breeze past everything like it was all so easy to deal with. I think I was jealous, but I don't care about that anymore. I care about us, and where we will be going in life. I will move back home for you and I will take everything as slow as you want, I will leave it all up to you because I just don't want to ruin what we have. And as soon as I even raise a hand to you, I will be right back here.."

I looked up to see the tears running down his face, "I love you so much, I don't want to lose you Rachel." He looked down and Simon moved off his chair, leaning asked his desk,

"Jesse? I want you to look Rachel in the eyes and tell her how you feel when you look back on it all." Jesse nodded and looked at me, I stared back at him, trying not to look away first as I waited.

"I feel.. I don't know. I just don't understand why I did it. It didn't make me feel any better, I thought it did but it never did. I don't feel happy with what I did and nor do I feel proud. I feel angry at myself for letting everything get to me like that and for letting myself hurt the one I love and hurting her in so many ways. I am so sorry for everything I ever done to you and I swear to you I will never let it happen again."

I smiled a little and he looked away for a second, "J-Jesse?" I said, and when he turned around I looked him straight in the eyes, "If we could start all over again, what would you do differently?"

He looked at me for a moment, "I would focus more on our family than what was going wrong in my life. Just like I should have done."

"No drink?"

"Never. I wish I never started in the first place." I nodded at him and took a deep breath.

"When you get out.. can it be like we just met? I think it will help me.. somehow." He smiled, his beautiful smile. I almost melted when he did but I managed to compose myself.

"Of course we can, I can come knocking on your door with flowers and everything." 

I smiled, "I still love you. I just need time." He nodded and held his hand out to me and I took it this time with only a little hesitation,

"I think we both need time and I will give you all the time in the world, Rachel. Even if it takes ten years." I laughed and wiped away the tears falling down my face. When I walked out of there, I felt like it would all be okay again, I smiled to myself. This place was really going to help us.

**A/N: Is she stupid for going back to him? Mhmm. Please review!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

**~ "And even as my eyes fill with tears, I swear I won't cry." ~**

I felt a lot better after that day, I was even starting to feel better about what had happened. I know it wasn't Jesse, I had always known that. I blamed the drink for everything from the very beginning and now I was beginning to fully accept that. I missed him and that was the truth, even after what he had done. I loved him so much more than I had ever loved anyone else, (with the exception of one person, but I was never allowed to mention him) and as much as I wish I didn't, as much as I tried to tell myself I shouldn't.. I still did. It was hard loving someone as much as I loved him, especially because everything and everyone is against it. It was hard loving someone, but even harder when you shouldn't.

I finally got into my car, smiling. Maybe everything would be better when he gets out. I would take it slowly but I had a good feeling about it. I sighed, looking up at the building and could feel myself looking forward to the next visit. Maybe everything would be okay after all.

When I arrived home, Kurt was there to question me, and I let him know that everything was actually _okay _for once. "He's getting better, he is doing so well."

"How was he?"

"Better than the last time I saw him.. he's obviously going through withdrawal at the moment but he looks a lot better." I smiled and shrugged, thinking of the man I loved, "I wasn't so scared of him towards the end."

"And that's a good thing?" Kurt was uncertain, I knew that and I realized none of them would be happy about us getting back together even if he was okay again.

"I thought it would be horrible, but it felt okay. I knew he was trying to get better, you know?" He nodded, and bit down on his lip, waiting for me to continue, "We had to see his counsellor, his name was Simon. He told me about taking things slowly and when Jesse gets out, he suggested we act as though it's the beginning of the relationship once again."

Kurt nodded, and I could tell he was still uncertain, "It sounds like a good idea.."

"I just want to see what he is like before I make any decisions." I could feel my eyes fill with tears as I spoke, falling down my face as Kurt wrapped his arms tight around me,

"What's wrong, honey?"

"I don't know.. I just.. I'm.. so confused about what to do. I love him so much but I don't want to. I want him back, Kurt but I want the real Jesse.. I want the one I fell in love with. I don't want the raging alcoholic, I miss him so much." I sobbed into his shoulder,

"It's okay to love him, even after everything. I know how wrong it is, but we both know that Jesse would never hurt you when he's sober. Alcohol has different effects on everyone, it just made him very violent.. I hate him for what he did to you and I don't want to see him again, but I will for you. I could forgive him but I will always be here for you. If you think he is even having a tiny sip, then I expect you back here, straight away.. no nonsense this time, right?" I nodded, pulling away to wipe my tears when I saw Danny heading our way,

"Mommy?" He shouted, running up to us and I smiled at him when he wrapped his arms around my neck as I lifted him up onto the counter, "What wrong, mommy?" He asked me, moving his hand to wipe away my tears.

"Nothing, baby." I ruffled his hair, kissing his little nose,

"Is it daddy 'gen?" I looked at him confused, biting my lip, "If he hurted you again, mommy.. I will do hurted him!" He smiled at me and wrapped his arms around my neck again and I smiled,

"Thank you, sweetie.. and mommy would do the same for you."

"I love you mommy." I rubbed his back,

"I love you too." I said as I put him back down so he could run off and play. Kurt just stood there and grinned,

"You're an amazing mom.. he loves you so much." I shrugged and blushed at the compliment, priding myself on being a good mom to my precious baby boy.

"He's an amazing boy.. I have no idea what I would do without him."

~ .. ~

That evening we were watching a movie when the phone rang, I looked at Kurt when he handed it to me, wondering who would be phoning me. "Hello?"

"Hey.. I hope you don't mind me phoning you?" I grinned, running upstairs when I heard his voice, assuring him it was fine. "How are you?"

"Great.. and yourself?" I bit my lip, trying my best not to sound like a love struck teenager as I spoke,

"I'm better after seeing you today." I grinned and blushed, playing with my hair as he spoke,

"Yeah, it was so good to see you."

He sounded sad then, "I miss you."

"I miss you too."

"I love you and today I realized how much I want and need you. I miss you so much I can barely cope without you and I know the only way to get you back is to stop drinking, and believe me – I will. I am never going to touch another drop ever again and if I ever did, I would put myself straight back in here."

I sighed and lay back on my bed, "You promise you will take it slow?"

"Yeah.. I'll come to Kurt and Blaine's house and pretend like it's our first date." I could hear him laughing on the other end and I smiled,

"Now that would be interesting." I said, laughing with him, "I would love to start all over again." I whispered when the laughter died down, biting my lip when he agreed with me. "I never meant any of it, Rachel.. I will make sure it never happens again."

"I hope not.." I trailed off at the thought of any of this happening again, "I don't think I could go through it again, Jesse." I sat back up and looked down at the floor, "I really don't want to have to go through it."

"I will do everything to make sure you never have to, I don't think I have it in myself anymore to make you go through it again. I hate myself for what I did."

"I hated you too.."

"I can understand that.. do you hate me now?"

I closed my eyes and shook my head, "I'm starting to understand you." I finally whispered, unsure of what else to say – did I still hate him? Do I really love him enough to forget our past?

"I think I'm beginning to understand me as well, I know what makes me tick and I know what will make me go over the edge again. I just need to avoid those things and deal with them."

"Well.. when you feel that way, you can always tell me. I'm here for you.. maybe I can help?"

"Yeah, that would be great." I could almost hear the smile in his voice and my heart melted a little. I wanted to tell him right there and then how much I loved him and how easy day without him was getting harder and harder, how each day without him was so much more painful than the day before.

"I should go now.." He laughed nervously, "People are waiting for the phone."

"Alright then.. bye."

"Bye baby." I put the phone down, wiping the tears from my face. I couldn't tell him that I loved him, I couldn't tell him how much I wanted to be with him. I couldn't tell him because then he would win, I don't know what he would win but I couldn't trust him, not yet. I didn't know what to do with my feelings for him, everything was so confusing and so hard.

**Six months later**

Life has been great for the past few months, I was getting on well with Jesse and Danny was starting to do well in school. I was settled back into my work, everyone stopped looking at me as though I was going to break and I was back to the old Rachel Berry. I was able to stand up in front of thousands and make the perfect performance. Being without Jesse was a good thing for me, it made me a different person. I was easier to get along with, and I was more confident. Everything was settling into place.

Today was the day Jesse was released from rehab, I got dressed to meet him from there. Smiling at myself in the mirror I ran out, I was already late. I was going to take him out somewhere, I had missed him so much. I knew he had changed now, no more alcohol and no more crap. I was looking forward to it so much, this time things would be different.

I grinned when I saw him, we had been phoning each other a lot recently and I had been visiting more than once a month.. well, actually once a week and sometimes more. Each time I was happier to see him, and every time he seemed that little bit better.

He smiled when he saw me but I always thought there was some anger in his eyes, but I put it down to imagination because the moment he got in the car, he was perfectly fine. He leaned over to kiss me on the cheek and I blushed a little, "I am so glad to be out of there." He muttered,

"It helped you, though." I reminded him, watching him slowly nod before he looked ahead of him. I was a bit confused by his behaviour, usually he was glad to see him, constantly complimenting me. Now he was out there and the behaviour had gone back to the way it was before. "Where do you want to go?" I asked him as we drove off, biting my lip when he shrugged.

"Somewhere private."

I sighed, and shook my head, "Slow.. remember?"

"I don't care.. I want to go somewhere where it will just be the two of us." He put a hand on my leg and I pushed it off quickly, my heart beating rapidly.

"You know the rules." I looked ahead, focusing on the road, trying not to cry and forcing my hands to not shake.

"Yeah.. well.. now that I am out of that place, I can change the rules. They were my rules after all." He kissed my neck, causing my to swerve a little as I pushed him off again and shook my head, "Just stop it!"

He laughed at me, his hand back on my leg in an instant, "Take me somewhere private."

"I don't know anywhere." I muttered, glad now that I had decided not to take Danny to pick him up.

"Yes you do."

"No! I really don't."

"I don't care where, but baby.. take me somewhere."

"What's gotten into you, Jesse?" I asked, slowly realizing that the past six months had been nothing more than a lie, just an act. It was never the drink to make him like this, it was just him, what had I done to deserve this? Why had I been so stupid?

"I love you.. and you love me.. why would we take it slowly?" He continued to rub his hand up and down my leg, and I shuddered, reminding him that he knew exactly why we couldn't.

I shook my head when he tried to kiss me again, "I'm trying to drive." I shouted at him, pushing him away. He banged his head on the window, and I jumped when he raised his own voice, "You will regret that, bitch." I could feel my heart speed up to so much more than normal. I wanted to cry so badly but I forced myself not to.

And then he grabbed my hair, forcing me to let go of the steering wheel in the struggle, "No, Jesse.. I never meant to.. I'm so sorry." Memories came flashing back from all the times before, I was so stupid to think he could change. I started to cry and he grinned, telling me to pull over.

I nodded, letting go of his hair as I grabbed the steering wheel again before we could crash, pulling over quickly. I watched him as he got out of the car and to my side, a sly grin on his face. "Come on." I closed my eyes. I prayed, I'm so sorry for whatever I have done to deserve all of this. I didn't do anything wrong, I was a good person. I looked down at the grass I left the car with my mobile.

"W-what are you going to do to me?" I winced at his hand wrapped around my arm tight as he pulled me forwards with him,

"I've been planning this for so long.. you will pay for everything."

"But I didn't do anything." I cried as he yanked me harder, he finally came to a stop when we entered the woods. "No.. we can talk about this.. let's just.. let's go back to the car and.. and then.. then we can talk.. c-can't we do that instead?" He could hear the panic in my voice and so could I as he continued to drag me, "Please?" I whimpered, causing him to smile. "I'll scream."

He laughed loudly, pulling out a gun from his coat, "W-where did you get that from? Oh god, Jesse.. please.. think of Danny.. don't do anything stupid, please." He yanked me harder, further into the woods with the gun digging into my lower back. And I had no choice but to go.

~ .. ~

_Kurt's POV_

Rachel was over an hour late, I wondered what was keeping her. She promised me she wouldn't be late because she wanted to take things slow and make everything quick. She would be taking Jesse back to their old house, so he would have somewhere to stay.

I tried phoning her fifteen times already before the phone stopped ringing all together. I sighed and shook my head, it was getting too late and she should have been home by now. I started to pace, unsure of what to do. I shouldn't panic, she's a big girl, she's my best friend, and my little diva and I know she can handle herself. But then again, on the other side of the coin – she's with a man who beat her for years, the man who made her feel like crap for so long. He could have done something to her, he could have done anything to her.

I decided to phone Finn – I knew the kind of relationship these two had. They had broken up through no choice of their own after she left for college, the distance was too painful for them and they began to find it hard to trust the other one. They had been in love, it was clear to everyone but instead she had moved into the arms of a dangerous man, the first man who would have her after her break up with the man she loved so much. I know that Rachel still loves Finn and I know that Jesse knows it too, that's why he tried to keep her away from the other man – Rachel's face would light up whenever she saw him and I could never forget the night that Finn told me that he thought Danny was his.

It had been nearly five years ago now that Rachel had turned up on my door, sobbing because she had just slept with someone else. She never told me who it was, but I had known Finn was in town that weekend. I had judged her back then, wondering what could have forced her to cheat on her husband, but now I couldn't blame her. Jesse was beating her, she felt unloved and Finn.. Finn loved her so much more than anyone else could know. And everyone would say how much Danny looked like Finn, a perfect mixture of Finn and Rachel. He never knew how to approach the subject with the woman though.

I sighed, Rachel was so good at helping others but she never seemed to want to help herself. She would never see the danger Jesse was to her, she went out of her way to protect everyone but herself and why? I knew why, she told me why once.. she felt as though she didn't deserve help, others did.

Blaine got home, and I ran to my husband and wrapped my arms tight around him, "I told her I would go with her.. why did I let her go alone?" I sobbed into his shirt as he held me tight, letting me know it wasn't my fault. "N-now she's gone and none of us even know where she is. I don't know how to help her."

"I know where she is." Puck ran in quickly, his phone in his hand, "Rachel has a GPS system in her car, I got some men down the station to track it down for me. I didn't tell them what it was for yet, I don't want us to get there and have them two fucking in the back of the car or something." I rolled my eyes at his vulgar thinking and hoped to god it was true, for once.

"We need to be quick, they've been alone for almost four hours now. He could have done anything to her." I whispered, running out of the door with my friends. I was glad that Danny was spending the weekend with his granddad's, who had come to visit him while Rachel settled back into a life with Jesse.

"It's not your fault." Finn whispered, already in his car as he waited for his friends, "Rachel can be so damn stubborn sometimes." I smiled at him, he always seemed to say the right things when it came to Rachel. I just hope she can move on from Jesse finally, and run into Finn's arms.

I sighed as we came to the woods they had obviously gone into, wondering what was happening to her right now. It was almost dark and none of us had any idea where they would go. We all walked in, with Finn and Puck ahead of us with their guns held out – both were in the Police force, which they had joined together. I remember when they had, I had never felt more proud of my step-brother and our friend.

I wondered if she was in pain or if they had actually just gone for a walk. Maybe nothing was wrong and this was just a mistake but then.. she could be laying their in pain.. or so much worse.

We were walking for about half an hour before we heard the first scream. Finn was the first to react, running faster than I had ever seen him run towards the scream. They were getting louder and louder and I knew it was Rachel. I could hear her screaming for Finn as we got closer, and I knew it wasn't helping the situation.

What kind of friend was I? I should never have let her go, I should have never thought he had changed. I never should have trusted her judgement when it came to him. I should have gone there myself to make sure, I should have gone with her today or picked him up myself. Now look at what has happened, look where she is and where we are. Look at what we are about to do to someone. Look at what our hatred for one person will drive us to do.

Because I know, from that look on Puck's face, and Finn's face, Jesse St. James was going to die tonight.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: See last chapter. **

"_If we stand as one, there is nothing to fear, we will beat the darkness and stay right here." _

Finn's POV

It wasn't long until I approached a clearing, Jesse was standing over a now silent Rachel; (that fact alone terrified me the moment the screaming stopped). She was laying on the muddy ground, crying and holding her side, but he never stopped. He kicked and he punched _my _Rachel, repeating something about her betraying him, how just left him there and let him stay there.

We didn't know what to do – there was the danger of shooting Rachel, and I needed to get her to safety before I could finish with Jesse. The man hadn't even noticed us yet, too focused on hurting the woman he was supposed to love, the woman I love. I know she had seen us though, I looked at her and she looked back at me, her eyes so full of pain and sorrow. I don't think I had ever seen her that way before, not even after another painful flashback.

Puck was the first to react, jumping on Jesse's back to surprise him, Puck was too quick for Jesse as he beat him to the ground and I was glad that Rachel was now free to get away from the monster. I helped her off the ground, holding her tight when she whimpered and clutched at my shirt. "We have a plan, baby.. and it's going to be difficult but you have to listen, okay?" I brushed some hair from her face and let her lean against me.

"You can't do this anymore, beautiful.. you can't go running back to him again, you can't trust him and you have to accept the fact that this is Jesse, not the drink." I wanted to hold her even closer when she nodded and looked down, ashamed of herself.

"I-I'm sorry." She whispered, sounding so weak and so tired. This had to end now, this is the only chance we could get. We told her of the plan and she nodded, she closed her eyes and focused herself, gathering the strength and courage I loved about her.

"Jesse!" She stepped forward, shouting towards the man, "Leave him alone." I could tell everyone was shocked that she could even stand, let alone speak with such _determination. _Jesse finally looked at her and away from Puck, slowly starting to walk to her. "It's me you want, not him." She continued, and I don't think I had ever admired her more – I knew how much pain she was in, but she had to do this.

"You're going to be punished, Rachel." I looked up at the man as he spoke, he wasn't the Jesse I remembered from high school, this was a newer version – so full of hate, and evil. He was going to pay.

I nodded at Puck and Rachel shook her head, taking my gun from my hands and pointed it straight to him. I resisted the smirk that was threatening to grace my features when Jesse jumped back. I watched her hands shake as she stared at the man,

"I'm going to kill you, Rachel."

"You're not going to come near her." I finally spoke, stepping forward so I was next to her now. I looked at Rachel who still stood there with her hands raised, her eyes not moving from the man in front of her.

"I thought you changed.." She whispered, stepping closer to the man,

"You stupid bitch, it's you that does this to me. I swear to God, I am going to get you, you are nothing without your friends. You're a nobody." Rachel winced at the harsh words but I shook my head and rested a hand on her lower back,

"She is more than you will ever be, she was too scared to fight back before but now she realizes what an evil, fucked up little man you are. This is just a warning."

"I hate you." Rachel spoke up, her hands not moving, "I really hate you." I couldn't help but smile, she was finally realizing who this man really was. "You deserve to die." I could see her getting closer to him, I could hear the.. _nothing _in her voice. She sounded emotionless, and he had done this to her. And I knew we had to get revenge, and as much as I went into the woods with every intention of killing him, I knew he was not worth going to jail for.

"But I'm not like you.. I actually care about people. You.. you have no feelings, you have nothing inside of you. Just.. a black hole and I cannot believe I ever loved you. I'm not going to kill you, you deserve to die.. but I actually want to have a life after you. But, you're not going to get away with this, I'll expect a visit from the police very soon." She shook her head and grinned,

"You know.. there's something I've wanted to tell you for a very long time but I was too terrified of you to do so. All those insecurities you had about Finn and I, all those times you worried about me going off with him, remember that? They were all true, I was tempted to leave you for him but I couldn't because I was in too deep when I realized my true feelings for him. But.. I will always be happy knowing that Danny isn't yours, he's Finn's." Everyone saw the anger on Jesse's face, and I watched Rachel push the gun against his forehead when he tried to lunge forward.

"This is a warning Jesse, if I see you again or hear from you ever again, it will be a lot worse next time."

"You wouldn't kill me."

"No, not right now.. but there is nothing anyone can say if I calm self-defence, is there? Who are they going to believe, Jesse? The wife beater or the victim?"

He muttered, "Fine." Not even making eye contact with her until I stepped forward, so glad to finally hear those words from her mouth – Danny was mine. I had known before, but now I knew it was true. "What was that, Jesse?"

"I won't try anything again.. I'll leave you alone." I put a hand on Rachel's shoulder, biting my lip when Puck came up behind Jesse,

"Yeah, that's what I thought you said."

"Go before we change our mind." Rachel looked at him and he stumbled up, we all knew what the diva was like when she was angry, even if it hadn't been for a while. He ran off into the woods and we all smiled at each other. I wrapped my arms tight around Rachel, rubbing her back. "Thank you." She whispered to me, her tears soaking my shirt as I held her closer.

"I love you, Rachel. You were amazing." I hugged her and let go so everyone else could do the same. She started to shake and I rubbed her back, taking her from Puck's arms to hold her even closer to me, kissing her forehead,

"He's not going to come back, right?" She sounded so scared, and it hurt me to hear her sound so weak,

"He wouldn't dare, did you see the look on his face? He was terrified, you were so amazing Rachel... so brave. I am so proud of you."

Puck nodded and put a hand on her back, "That took a lot of strength, Berry." Rachel nodded and pulled from my grip, hugging him as tight as she could, "Thank you so much, I am so sorry."

"Hey, what are fellow hot Jews for?" He winked and smirked at her, causing her to laugh.

~ .. ~

Rachel sat up in her hospital bed when Finn walked in and smiled at him, "Hey.." She whispered, biting her lip as he moved closer.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" She nodded and took his hand in hers, tracing a scar on his hand. "I-I.. I'm so sorry. I hope you don't hate me. I should have left him the moment I realized you and I were meant to be together, but I was too scared. I broke your heart, I made out like I was choosing him over you but the truth was.. I was so scared of what he would do to you if he found out. A-and then.. it was too late, when I had Danny.. I kept thinking about what he would do to him if he found out who his real father was.. I-I had to protect the two people I love so much."

She sighed and brought his hand to her mouth, softly kissing it before closing her eyes in an attempt to stop herself from crying. "Please forgive me."

"There is nothing to forgive, I could never imagine being in that position Rachel but.. I understand why you did it. I have a lot of catching up to do with Danny.. St. James?" She shook her head and smiled a little,

"Daniel Christopher Berry. I refused him to have the name St. James because I said it didn't go with the name.. and Jesse didn't really care to be honest. We can get it changed by deed pole or something to Hudson.. I would prefer that." He nodded and wrapped his arms around her,

"Thank you.. for.. Christopher means a lot to me, Rachel. And it will mean the world to my mom." He kissed the side of her head and sighed, "I love you so much Rachel, and we're not going to rush any relationship because I know you need time to heal.. but I promise you, from the moment I found out about what Jesse was doing to you.. I haven't touched a drink. I don't want you in another relationship where drink is involved."

She grinned and pulled his head down, kissing him on the lips without saying another word to him. Her arms wrapped around his neck when he kissed back, both of them only pulling away when they needed air. She rested her head on his chest and bit her lip, knowing this is what being home felt like. "I love you Finn, I wish I had never got with Jesse. It's always been you... we're tethered, remember?"

He nodded and smiled, moving up on the bed to hold her close, "Forever, no one is ever going to hurt you or Danny. You deserve to be happy, Rach.. and I promise I will do anything I can to make you smile, make you laugh.. and make you feel safe and protected in your own home." She bit down on her lip and closed her eyes,

"I feel safe in your arms, I feel completely protected. I should have told you five years ago, and I will forever regret that." He nodded again and held her even closer,

"We have all the time in the world now, Rachel. Nobody and nothing can stop us. I promise." She sighed in content and snuggled into him, slowly falling asleep – feeling safe, and happy for the first time since she had fallen in asleep in his arms nearly five years ago.


End file.
